Click here for Exit the Cuckoo's Nest's posting standards and aims.
Click here to sign the People's Proclamation and send it to everyone you know.
Source: Kevin's Newsletter
Raccoon Dog Blamed for COVID Pandemic Identified, Arrested
 |
A raccoon dog fingered by a team of biowarfare scientists as the likely source of the COVID-19 pandemic was apprehended this morning in his cage at the Bronx zoo. Pawcuffed and hauled off in a police cruiser, the animal barked out: “I’m just a patsy!”
After an extensive interrogation during which no recordings were made nor any notes taken, the raccoon dog, whose full name is Rocky Raccoon Oswald, was being transferred from one jail to another when he somehow hanged himself while being shot by a reputed mob hitman. The coroner, backed by the SPCA, CIA, FBI, and LSD, has already ruled “death by natural causes.”
Though a few disgruntled conspiracy theorists have been tweeting “Rocky didn’t hang himself while being shot,” experts, fact checkers, and AI algorithms unanimously agree that the COVID origins question has now been definitively solved and that “Rocky acted alone.”
Bats, pangolins, and germ warfare scientists reacted jubilantly to the news that they were no longer under suspicion. Reached by batphone in the depths of his batcave, Batty Battowitz of the Anti-Bat-Defamation League joyfully flapped his leathery wings and emitted hypersonic squeaks of pure joy, while Paddy Pangolin of the Proud Pangolin Party called a celebratory press conference to announce that pangolin-blamers everywhere should now hang their heads in shame, and that pangolins, definitively cleared of mass murder charges, could go back do doing whatever it is that pangolins do.
Meanwhile, in Fort Detrick, Maryland, the Society for the Advancement of Germ Warfare Science issued a statement deploring the very existence of raccoon dogs and promising to do oodles of gain-of-function research in hopes of stopping the next naturally-occurring pandemic, on condition that taxpayers fork over a few more hundreds of billions of dollars.
No comments:
Post a Comment